- "You haven't returned my phone calls, so I assume your answering machine is not working. It's going to be hard to fit you in but I think I have next Wednesday available."
- —Artie Tiger's Quest, page unknown
Artie is a character found in the very beginning of Tiger's Quest. He is one of the three men to ask Kelsey out on a date. It is assumed he has tried to date her before, but was denied. The character is only mentioned a few times after his date with Kelsey, but never makes another appearance.
Artie is a media lab assistant at Western Oregon University. While Kelsey was on her way to her Latin class, the man approached her and asked if she was free at 5:00 p.m. on Wednesday. Kelsey agreed, ignorant of the fact that this was a trick. As Artie walked away, he lets Kelsey know he will be picking her up for their date.
On the night of the date, it was revealed that Artie does not own a car. The two walked to the post office so the man could drop off a package for his high-school girl friend. He continued to tell his date of all the girl-friends he has had as the two returned to the campus. They arrived at the Hamersly Library media center to watch a movie, and all the while Artie talked about himself. At this point, Kelsey was irritated. She believed Artie's checklist for the date to be as follows:
- Seduce date by talking about other girls
- Impress date with number of awards you have received
- Do not spend money on date
- Make date watch corny movie in media center
- Sneak in comments about frugality
- Put arm around date at exactly the halfway mark of the movie
Grateful that the date was over, Kelsey quickly thanked Artie for the date, assuring him she would see him on Monday. Having walked her to her car, the man asked if she is free on Friday. Kelsey declined, claiming she had left her planner at home. She feigned a headache and made a quick retreat.
Artie is described by Kelsey as "the only guy I'd ever seen in a long time brave enough to wear a sweater-vest with a bow tie...He looked like the kind of guy who belonged in a musty old college." He has brown eyes, a double chin, and a rather large stomach. Artie wears glasses and carries his planner everywhere he goes.
- "I quickly shut my mouth after that and bit back a sarcastic reply. Did he think girls actually liked to be treated this way? It wasn't that a date had to be expensive or that any money had to be spent at all. What annoyed me was that Artie was smug about everything and he didn't think his dates were important enough to listen to. I felt disgusted and hungry."
- —Kelsey Hayes Tiger's Quest, page 32
Artie is arrogant and narcissistic. He constantly speaks of his past relationships and his achievements. Artie is also shown to have utter disregard for personal space. Although the man is described by Kelsey as "persistent", it is not justifiable. While Artie may have tricked Kelsey into dating him, she made no effort to deny him. Artie is well-organized, as he uses his planner non-stop.